We Are Worriers!

I was making a special Mom and Daughter Mother’s Day breakfast for my mom and sister and our girls yesterday, so I was up and at ‘em early. Bella seemed slightly disappointed that was up before her because she apparently had a plan to make a 3D pop-up book for me before I awoke. She asked me if the Mother’s Day fairy had come for me. “Not that there is one, I guess” she sulked. “Nope, no Mother’s Day fairy”, I confirmed, “but I have you to make me a mother, and that’s the best thing I could wish for”. I reminded her of the figurines the boys had painted for me, and the book and card she had made for me (all of which I received early, so there wasn’t anything waiting that morning, which was apparently important to her, and not at all to me), and how we were going to spend the whole day together. Then I reminded her of the special breakfast we were going to make, and we got down to business. We were back on track and Mother’s Day was going great!

Breakfast was a success, and our girls shopping day was a fun adventure (as it always is). We began a Mother’s Day shopping tradition a few years back, when my sister and I were both single moms without partners to help our kids give us the Mother’s Day they wanted, and without a lot of extra money to eat out and buy gifts, etc. So we decided it would be fun to just go out and spend quality time together, and maybe even buy ourselves a little something that we would not normally treat ourselves to. For the record, we are all actually the type of “shopper” who can window shop and have a great time! We may be gone for hours and come back with one item, but you can bet it’s an item that we fell in love with and found to be a great value too! We walk and talk and laugh as we discover our new favorite color for the season, or a new designer we’ve just taken a liking to. And this year was no exception. We walked for hours, found our special items we would not normally allow ourselves the luxury of purchasing, and just enjoyed our time together. Bella entertained us with her ability to make any outfit beautiful just by accessorizing (Think little girl in designer stores putting on hats and jewelry, carrying the handbags. Yep, that’s my girl!) and Courtney made sure we didn’t get lost with the guidance of her always handy iphone apps. Grandma made sure the girls had ice cream and a little something to make sure they knew they are special too. So yes, the day was a success!

As an added bonus, my family enjoyed a fun-filled dinner with my sister and her kids to finish off the day. We ate, we laughed (my nephew was the main source of comedic entertainment there), and we just enjoyed a relaxing evening. As I sat thinking about the great weekend I’d had enjoying a date with my hubby Friday night, spending Saturday at the beach with my husband and my daughter, then enjoying a special Mom and daughter day Sunday with all the girls in the family, I was totally content.

Until this morning, when Bella came downstairs and gave me her flower that Mawmaw had given her yesterday morning. When I asked her why, she said she wanted me to have it because I’m so special, and the best Mommy ever. I told her it was her flower and she didn’t have to give it to me to let me know she loves me. I already know that! And it dawned on me at that moment, as I remembered her asking about the Mother’s Day fairy, that my child truly is my child. She didn’t feel like she did “enough” for me for Mother’s Day. She wanted me to have so much more. She wanted to make sure I had a perfect day. I made sure to thank her, and reassure her how perfect my Mother’s Day had been, and we went about our morning. She seemed happy with that, and she moved on. I, however, did not.

I have felt sad all day thinking, first of all, that my daughter does not feel that what she did was good enough for me, and second that I have passed this perfectionism on to her. I know exactly how she’s feeling because I do, and have been doing, the exact same thing. Did I do enough for my mom? Does she know how much I love her and appreciate her? Maybe I could have done___ better, or maybe I should have done ____. The blanks will always be there, because no matter what I did do, I wonder if I should have done more. I do that for birthdays, Christmas, every holiday, and even just regular days. Did I do the best? Did I do it (whatever “it” is) just perfect?

I have all this worry going on in my brain (yeah, I tend to do that to myself too!), and I can’t wait for school to end so I can pick her up and show her just how much just being her mom is the best gift I could ask for. How spending time with her and Daddy, and cooking for the girls, and shopping, and going to the beach, and just sharing all this with her is my idea of perfection.  And how hand-made, personally written gifts are the best kind I know of! I know when I see her she will be bouncing out of school excited to tell me something that happened at lunch or PE (because she rarely shares what she actually learned that day), and the world will be right. My girl will be happy and at peace, so I can be too. She probably really was just giving me the flower because she wanted to. She can be pretty sweet like that!

We Are Worriers!