They're Going to be Parents!!

Yesterday I saw that a couple I’ve been following on Facebook found out they’ve been matched with a birthmother and will soon be parents. Chills came over me, and the memories and emotions came flooding back…

You gave her life, and you are trusting me to teach her to live it. You grew this precious little being inside of you as you were wracked with fear, doubt, and uncertainty. I have searched for her my whole life. I know this has not been an easy road for you, and I can only imagine the pain you will continue to feel. I hope I can bring you an inkling of comfort, and a lifetime of peace with my story; and, more importantly, with the promises I make to you, and to this perfect innocent child.

You cannot believe the thrill I feel, the way my heart is beating out of my chest, the way I feel all warm inside, and the love and pride that is radiating from me and out to that sweet baby. You see you have instantly given me a beautiful new identity. One that most women have nine months to grow into (literally!); but one that was literally overnight for me! And one that seemed out of reach for me. As you know, motherhood was not a nine-month journey of carrying my baby in my womb; nourishing her and adjusting to having her depend on me for life. No, I instead faced years of disappointment month after month after month each time I realized that my body had failed me once again, that I had not been able to conceive a child. I had a failed pregnancy that was a tragic loss of my child and of my dreams.  I faced a nine-month journey of paperwork and background checks and letters and scrapbooks for potential birthmothers. I faced a seemingly endless wait for a miraculous young woman to find me and believe in me, to believe that I can be a great mom! That I have so much love to give. That I can be trusted to raise this little girl to be a beautiful soul, to love beyond measure, to be smart and assertive, and sweet and gentle.

Yesterday when I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw a fragile, sometimes self-loathing, hard-working, loving daughter, sister, aunt, and wife. No, my appearance hasn’t changed. Well, not really. I mean, yes, my hair is stringy and my eyes are dark and sunk in from exhaustion, but overall my small framed, blond haired, hazel-eyed self looks about the same. But I see someone totally different. Today I see a beautiful, glowing, happy (though slightly terrified) Mommy looking back at me! I see a confident woman who is overflowing with love for her beautiful new daughter. Wow! I said it. My daughter! I see a woman filled with gratitude and admiration for a woman who is so strong that she can place her trust in another woman to do the job that she is just not physically or mentally able to do right now.

So I promise you I will be the best mom I can be for her! I know, I know, that sounds so simple. But I know it’s not. I know it’s the most important job I will ever have, and not one that I take lightly. I promise you I will love her unconditionally. I will build her up. I will encourage her. I will have high expectations of her, and always believe in her.  I will teach her faith, love, honesty, courage, and kindness.

And these are a few of my promises to her. I will always do my best to live my life as an example for her of God’s expectations of His children. I will always consider how my thoughts, decisions, and actions impact her, and what lesson they are teaching her.  I will raise her in a loving home surrounded by family.  I will only invite people into her life who will support her and uplift her. I will keep her near the beach so she grows up appreciating the beauty of God’s creation. I will teach her to work hard, but to have lots of fun. I will teach her to love fully and unashamedly. I will teach her to face her fears, and to not be held back by them.

I want you to know that I am forever grateful to you for your enormous act of strength, and that you will always be in my thoughts and in my heart.  I have lived my entire life for this dream that you have made my reality, for this new name, Mom, which I will wear with pride. I will never take this gift, this precious baby girl for granted. I hope that you find comfort and peace in that promise.

 

They're Going to be Parents!!