Today I had a break through, thanks to a much needed visit with a very dear friend. Earlier I was trying to write, but I was just so darned depressed that it wasn’t working for me. I mean, I was literally curled up on the couch with my blanket, TV on, iPad open, and tears rolling down my face intermittently throughout the morning. (Then my husband sent me the sweetest text that made happy tears roll with the sad ones!) I didn’t want to write something that would bring anyone down, or invoke pity or even sympathy. I just needed to write to get it all out there. Then my big epiphany led me to exactly what I want to say.
My pity party this morning, though perhaps a little self-indulgent, was not completely undue. In all fairness, it has been an extraordinarily challenging 5-6 months for my family, and well, this morning it was just weighing on me. We’re talking the stuff of depression and self pity. The stuff that can destroy a precarious relationship or strengthen the infallible one. Things like a miscarriage, a health scare, a cancer diagnosis, an unexpected and untimely death, a job loss, a temporary new job 200 miles away, just to name a few of the major things. It’s been tough, to say the least, but there has been so much good mixed in there too! And I know I am not going this road alone, my family is not doing it alone, and there are so many great things headed our way. So this morning, as blue as I was feeling and as much as it felt good to sit and wallow a while, I really was trying to keep myself from free-falling the whole way down to the bottom of the oh poor me pits. So I kicked my lazy butt into gear, got a shower and made myself presentable, spent a few moments thanking God for all of His amazing blessings in my life and lifting up those I know who need lots of prayers right now, and moved forward with my day with a bit of a better attitude.
Then my friend asked if my daughter and I wanted to come over to hang out after school, and I thought that was just what the doctor ordered. So I happily (maybe even exuberantly) accepted. As the kids played my friend and I talked. And talked. And talked. And in the midst of all the talking I stated, without even thinking about it, that the reason I felt so depressed today is because my mind, my heart has taken a gigantic leap back in time to about 5 years ago and earlier. Bing! There it was, my big epiphany! Even though I know in my logical mind that my husband is just out of town temporarily for a job to support our family and provide for us, my apparently still tender spirit has started to put up it’s defenses. I’m feeling like a single mom again, and I’m panicking. My subconscious seems to be nagging me to step up to the plate. To be mom and dad to my daughter. To keep the household running smooth. To watch every penny carefully to ensure that we’re ok. My cruel subconscious was trying to make me believe I was all alone!
So why is this such a fabulous epiphany? Because really, it sounds kind of bad, and sad, and not too great at all. Well, what’s so great about it is that now that I recognize what is going on I’m able to talk myself through it, to pray my way through it. Yes, I am human and I believe it’s ok to cry sometimes. But I was getting frustrated because I just wasn’t understanding what I was feeling. I know my faith in God is strong, and that He will get my family through all of this. I’m really not worried. My husband and I work together everyday to keep our eyes on God and His plan for us, and we remain faithful. So why couldn’t I shake this sadness? Why was I not feeling at peace? Because even though my conscious mind knew it wasn’t true, I was feeling like I was back to being just me and God and Bella against the world. But I’m not!
This realization has already lifted my spirits tremendously. While I miss my husband like crazy, I know he’s only a phone call, a face time call away. He is still very much on this journey with me. It’s not my journey, not my life, but ours. Yes, our road has been so tough but we’re making it, together. He and I are strong together, we belong together, and we will get through it all, as a family, with God- together!
Jeremiah 29:11 “ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Rising From the Depths of Despair
