Just a Few Short Weeks Ago

It’s 5am and I’ve been tossing and turning, thinking and praying since 4. Then my baby got the hiccups and thought it was acrobatics time, and my body was telling me it wasn’t going to sleep anymore without a little snack, so here I am eating oatmeal and writing. Isn’t this what everyone does when sleep has left them?

It’s probably not that weird that I’m up at such an inhumane hour. I mean, I think I was passed out on the couch around 10 (that seems to be my magic hour these days), so 6 hours might not be an ideal night of sleep for this overly tired pregnant lady, but it’s not all that terrible. In fact, in a few short months I’ll bet I would give anything for a straight 6 hours of sleep!

Tonight, this morning, (whatever!) my mind is racing with thoughts about my little girl and my husband, and am I doing ok with them through my pregnancy. Am I being a good enough wife? Am I an attentive enough mom? Am I enjoying this pregnancy to the fullest? So much pressure I put on myself! I’m a caretaker. I need to take care of my baby, my big girl, my husband…oh yeah, and me too.

Last night was Halloween and we had a wonderful evening! It was a fabulous week, really. We carved pumpkins with family, Bella had an exciting week of accomplishment and fun at school, I had a great doctor visit (hearing that strong little heartbeat makes every visit good!), we had a blast at a friend’s family Halloween party and trick or treat night, and wrapped it up trick or treating a little at my parents. Yep, it really was a great week and a “spooktacular” Halloween, but of course I have to question myself and second guess. Could I have done better? Well of course I could have! I’m not artsy craftsy Pinterest mom. I didn’t buy Bella a festive shirt for her school party, I didn’t take a picture of her in her costume with her pumpkin. Yes, I did take a picture of her with her pumpkin, and one in her costume, but not the costume and pumpkin combined; and probably not nearly enough pictures. I didn’t get my hubby anything festive to wear for our fun night out, and I didn’t get my cute pumpkin belly shirt I wanted to dress up my Katie belly. In fact I didn’t get too festive at all. We didn’t break out any of our festive fall decorations, and Bella didn’t even have a real trick or treat bag! Yikes! What kind of mom am I? What kind of wife am I? My husband really enjoys Halloween too, and in his previous marriage this festive event was almost as big as Christmas. So what kind of failure am I? And how will it make Bella feel next year when I know I’ll be all excited and into it because I will dress up our baby and pull her around in a wagon, and it will be new and exciting through her eyes, and we’ll be excited to share everything with her. You know how it will make Bella feel? Excited and happy! Just like she was this year, and every year that I beat myself up wondering if I did enough. And my husband? Well I’m pretty sure he’s just fine too. We had a fun time together, we laughed with friends and family, we enjoyed the beautiful weather and loved watching our little girl enjoy herself. That’s good enough for both of us, I’m sure!

As I’m nearing the end of this pregnancy I’ve kind of been slowing down (reluctantly, sort of) and questioning if I’ve done “good enough” through this pregnancy. I mean I have just less than nine weeks left! Have I appreciated every moment? Have I enjoyed being pregnant to the fullest? Have I taken a single moment for granted? Because I’ve been so busy. I’m always busy, and running and doing. I have not sat on the couch watching TV, eating Bonbons and waiting to be served and waited on (though my sweet husband would wait on me if that’s what I wanted/ needed!). I’ve tried to keep up with some kind of workout regiment so getting my body back to “normal” will hopefully be a little easier transition. But have I worried too much about that and not just done whatever I want because I can because I’m pregnant and can get away with it? Will I regret that later? Have I neglected Mark’s needs, or Bella’s needs because of Kate? Or have I neglected to give Kate the very best of care because I’m busy taking care of and doing for my family? See, I really do question myself so much! I guess it’s that perfectionist thing in me.

However, in all my thinking and overanalyzing and praying and wondering I did have an aha moment! I realized that of course I can always do better, and I’m sure there’s someone out there who’s doing it all just right. But I do feel like for me I’m doing ok. I am who I am, and worrying that it’s not good enough (though that seems to be a part of who I am too!) is just not ok. I’m not neglectful of any of my family members, myself included. I am constantly busy, running and going, and I like it that way. It’s who I am and what I do. I may not do up every event and festive occasion grand and elaborate, but I do it, and I try to make it fun, and we do it as a family. I may be a little too frugal for my own (and my family’s) good, but we have everything we need and a lot of what we just want. We do not go without food, shelter, clothing, family, friends, and love. Most importantly love! And have I enjoyed my pregnancy to the fullest? You bet I have! Yes, I could have and still should rest a little more. I do wish I had done more writing throughout, though I do have a little mini series I’m excited to be working on. Oh, and the time has sort of flown by in some ways. I am so thrilled and grateful that I’m healthy, that I’ve had an easy pregnancy, that I’ve been able to maintain my active lifestyle and feel great pregnant.

Just a Few Short Weeks Ago

AMA, BPPs, NSTs...What?!

Recently my monthly visits to my baby doctor became bi-monthly visits, which is normal for every expectant mom at 28 weeks. Great! Then I was told because I was AMA I would have monthly growth check ultrasounds. Ok, not sure what that means, but monthly ultrasounds to see my sweet girl sounds wonderful! So last week I was told that because I’m AMA (which I learned means “advanced maternal age”…over 35) I will need to continue visits every other week until 36 weeks, at which time I will be seen weekly, I will continue monthly growth check ultrasounds (yay), I will have weekly BPPs (what?!) and weekly NSTs (again, what?!). What on earth is all this testing? Has obstetrical medicine become like our education system so we have more testing than we can handle and no time to just be pregnant? Don’t get me wrong though, I’m thrilled they’re on constant baby watch to make sure our little one is safe and healthy, but what do all these letters  mean?

I found out this week. Yesterday was our second monthly growth ultrasound where we saw our beautiful girl on the big (well small really) screen just sleeping peacefully. We saw her strong heartbeat and watched as the ultrasound tech measured all her pertinent parts to make sure she’s growing and developing just right. And she is! She gained almost 1 1/2 pounds in the last month, though they say she’s going to be little. Fine by me! I’m kind of little myself so I’m just fine with my baby girl following my lead, as long as she’s healthy and strong. Ok, so I’m versed and knowledgeable in growth ultrasounds, now what do I do for this BPP thing? Oh nothing different? Ok. I can do that! Turns out a BPP is a biophysical profile in which the same ultrasound tech watches our baby for up to 30 minutes to make sure she practices breathing at least 3 times and that she moves at least 3 times. Well if we’d been doing this test at 10:00 at night that tech would have been stunned by my daughter’s amazing acrobatic skills, I’m certain. However, since we started the test between breakfast and lunch it happened to be nap time, and I think this munchkin might not be much of a morning person, if you know what I mean. She was enjoying her nap and didn’t have a lot of interest in being roused from dreamland. She succumbed to the prodding and did show us her moves though, and passed her test beautifully. Whew!

Ok, now I know what a BPP is, and for me it’s quite enjoyable! I love seeing what our little girl is up to! Now, on to the NST. The what? The non stress test. Non stress? Not for me! I was stressed! Apparently the non stress part has nothing to do with my anxiety level. The NST ended up being a pretty amazing test too, mainly because our little Kate did it all just right. All I had to do was kick back in the big comfy recliner with two monitors strapped to my belly, and all the baby had to do was her normal thing. Fortunately we did not catch her at nap time for this test this morning so she put on a fabulous show. The NST monitors the baby’s heart rate when she’s active and resting and during my contractions. They look for her heart rate to speed up during activity and contractions and to slow back down at rest. So to me it was so awesome listening to that beautiful strong heart beat doing just what it’s supposed to do, and hearing her movement as I felt it.

I do realize that the point of these tests is because there are risks, and some people are not able to enjoy the tests so much because they’re having them due to complications or other scary factors. I do not take my daughter’s well being for granted in the least, and I’m so thankful that all these tests are available to ensure she continues to thrive. I thank God each and every day for entrusting this little angel to us, and for enabling my body and hers to do and have everything necessary to bring forth life to honor Him. I have been so blessed with a healthy and easy pregnancy, and I’m thankful that I don’t feel like I’m “advanced maternal age”. And now that I know that these BPPs and NSTs are nothing scary, but are amazing and easy tools to monitor and ensure our baby’s continuous healthy growth I would like to tell all AMA moms not to be afraid, not to stress over the frequency of the visits, and to just be thankful that these tools are available for us!

 

AMA, BPPs, NSTs...What?!

Pedicures...a Treat, a Luxury, a Necessity

I love getting pedicures as much as the next girl, though I rarely treat myself to such a delightful, small luxury. I don’t know why that is, other than my umm..frugalness. Or perhaps it’s my lack of willingness to pamper myself. Do I think I don’t deserve it? I don’t know. But that’s a whole other psycho analyzing post. This post is about why I will be pampering myself with this magnificent little treasure soon.

At 32 weeks pregnant my “bump” is feeling a little more like a mountain. A beautiful mountain that I am so in love with, but a mountain none the less. Thus my comment on pedicures. See, I now have a renewed appreciation for the ability to pamper my own little tootsies whenever I like. Of course I’d been told I wouldn’t be able to bend and reach my own feet, but still it just feels a little strange to me. I used to just put my foot up on the counter, rub my lotion on, and paint my toes. No big deal! Now it’s so difficult just to put on pants, or socks, or to do anything that requires bending at the waist, let alone painting my toes! So in the spirit of feeling good about myself in a time I hardly recognize my own body I will get a pedicure soon! My baby shower is this weekend and I believe it’s important to feel pretty; and for me part of feeling pretty is pretty toes (keep in mind, it Florida, it’s warm, and I will be wearing open toes shoes!). A pedicure, a wonderful party surrounded by amazing friends and family, and a new outfit for the occasion will make for one joyful and confident pregnant girl!

Pedicures...a Treat, a Luxury, a Necessity

My Personal Pregnancy Stages...up to now

 

I’ve dreamed of being pregnant, I’ve read up so much on it over the years. I just knew I would recognize all the signs and symptoms, and the stages and trimesters would be familiar to me, if it ever happened. In fact, I thought I may have ruined any potential magic and surprise by researching so much. Because really, what else is an overly hopeful mom-to-be supposed to do over the course of many, many years of yearning and praying. I was ready, I was doubtful, I was hopeful. That makes no sense, I know, but it’s how I felt. So now that I’m pregnant I should be an old pro, right? Wrong! This is so exciting and new and different and I feel like I’ve never felt before, emotionally and physically.

 

I’ve sort of been experiencing phases of acceptance, if you will. I didn’t know that would happen! When I first found out I was pregnant it really kind of was “all about me”. I was pregnant. I was sick. I was tired. I was feeling and seeing changes in my body that no one else would know about. It was more about a pregnancy and less about a baby. Oh it was exciting and miraculous and I was overjoyed. But still at first it was mostly “I’m pregnant”.

After the sickness part was gone (oh thank God, thank Heaven, thank all things holy!) all of a sudden it became a reality that this pregnancy was about new life. Pregnancy means a new baby. Of course I knew that! Even though my mom pulled me from that part of health class in 8th grade I still know how these things work. I knew that that little plus sign on the pregnancy test, those 3 months of starvation alternating with nausea accompanied by constant fatigue meant my body was working hard to develop a little human. Logically, intellectually of course I know this. And even emotionally I was accepting, no thrilled, that God was doing miraculous work through me to bring forth a new life to honor and serve Him. I know this and I have prayed daily thanking Him for this. The only way I know to describe the feeling at that point is to say that my pregnancy was about us having “a” baby.

Now that I’m at the halfway point of 20 weeks and so excited beyond words to see “a” baby on an ultrasound picture (tomorrow!!) and find out if we’re having a boy or a girl my reality is changing once again. I’m still pregnant, of course, and absolutely loving it. I still have “a” baby growing inside of me, of course. But now it’s not “a” baby. It’s our baby! Oh my gosh! It’s our baby! This is a little person who is a part of me and my husband, but who will be unique and special. This is a tiny person that may have my nose and his sweet smile. It may be a little girl with my blond hair and his bright blue eyes. Or a little boy with his courage and my stubbornness. But it’s our little person. Another family member. I can feel our baby move, I can see major changes in my body, and I feel my heart expanding every day and overflowing with love and gratitude for this baby, for my family, for miracles, and for life. 

 

My Personal Pregnancy Stages...up to now

All Kinds of Mom

Yes, it’s official. I have changed my name. I found something that just suited me better, so I’m going with that. I know, I know, it’s been a while since I’ve written, and obviously a lot has happened! My name change is a reflection of a little of that. I’m not changing my personal, legal name of course. That name is who I was always meant to be. No, it’s my blog name that has changed! Andrea Ceely- Writer was just sort of a description, a word, but not really me.                                                                                   So now I’ve become All Kinds of Mom. Much better!  After all, that really describes me to a tee!

My first mom role came about 81/2 years ago with the birth/adoption of my baby girl.                                                             I became (technically speaking) an “adoptive mom”, though really I’m just mom. With the adoptive mom title also came “stay at home mom”, a role which I embraced, enjoyed, and cherished! About a year later my role switched to “part-time working mom” as my marriage was becoming even more shaky and finances became strained. Then another year plus a few months later I became a full-time working mom. The marriage was mostly over and I was preparing to change roles once again to single working mom. And I did.

My “single working mom” role was challenging, but so rewarding- maybe empowering is the better word choice there. Really I had basically lived as though I was single for the last few years while my ex-husband was busy with his girlfriend and her children, but to have the official title and the independence, and to really be making it on my own was still a big, welcome change. While I wasn’t doing it entirely on my own since I never would have survived without the support of amazing family and friends, I realized I could do it without depending on someone who was so absent, so wrong for me and for my child. So  my single mom role was an eye opening, self-esteem building, learning experience. And then I moved on to another role.

Over the next three years I met the man that God intended just for me,                                                                               became a stay at home mom again, a part time working mom, a work from home mom, and finally a step mom! In 2012 my mom heart expanded even bigger to make room for two sweet, fun, crazy boys who now call me mom, and who gave me a new mom role I never imagined I’d have, but that I cherish. While this mom role has it’s own challenges, it comes with so many rewards. I’m so blessed!

Over the last almost two years I have again become a stay at home, PTA, cheer, soccer, kid focused mom and step mom, and I love it! These kids make me crazy, make me laugh, and make my heart burst with love and pride. I couldn’t imagine anything better. Until a few months ago when we found out God is blessing me with yet another mom role. I get to start all over in the mom process. Come January 1st (or whenever he or she decides to make their grand entrance) I’ll be mom to a sweet newborn baby Ceely. My already big mom heart will expand even more to make room for our family’s fourth child, my second child, my first by birth, and my first with my soul mate and love, my amazing husband.

When I stopped to think of all the ways God has blessed me with this amazing mom                                                              role, this tremendous mom love, I realized that I have received His miracles beyond what my mind could have ever imagined. As a kid I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I always felt it was just who I was, who God made me to be. But never in my wildest dreams did I imagine all the ways I would be blessed with that role. And never could I have imagined God’s plan or timing, though I now recognize just how perfect it is. When I struggled to conceive many years ago, I could not have known how beautifully and perfectly adoption would change my life. When I was at my lowest point in life, struggling through a divorce and financial disaster, I had no idea that God would send me a wonderful man and two little boys to bring me a whole new life and love. And now I’m just in awe of God’s grace and mercy as He is growing our family and letting me be a mom yet again with an amazing and miraculous new life to round out our beautiful, crazy family. Thank you God for trusting me to be all kinds of mom to four of your precious angels.

 

All Kinds of Mom

Remember It's MEMORIAL DAY!

Repost: I wrote this last year at this time, and I think it’s a reminder that needs to be stated again.

What is Memorial Day really all about? Sure we enjoy a nice long weekend cooking out, playing in the water, and celebrating the start of our summer. And hopefully most of us stop for at least a moment to think about what Memorial Day means. But do we really know?

Memorial Day, previously called Decoration Day, originated after the American Civil War to commemorate the fallen Union soldiers. By the 20th century Memorial Day had been extended to honor all American soldiers who have died in all wars. Memorial Day is a day to remember fellow Americans who have lost their lives serving our country in the United States Armed Forces.

Over the years, the long holiday weekend has come to signify the beginning of summer, family gatherings, fireworks, trips to the beach, and of course, the Indianapolis 500. We should all enjoy the American traditions, and enjoy our family time; but we should also teach our children what this important day means to us. Please be sure to take a moment to just think of those who lost their lives fighting for the freedoms that we live to enjoy every day. Flags should be flown at half staff until noon in honor of those who gave their lives in service to our country. At noon the flag is raised to signify the memory of those lost being raised by the living who resolve to not let their sacrifice be in vain, but to continue to fight for liberty and justice.

Remember It’s MEMORIAL DAY!

Remember It's MEMORIAL DAY!

Rising From the Depths of Despair

Today I had a break through, thanks to a much needed visit with a very dear friend. Earlier I was trying to write, but I was just so darned depressed that it wasn’t working for me. I mean, I was literally curled up on the couch with my blanket, TV on, iPad open, and tears rolling down my face intermittently throughout the morning. (Then my husband sent me the sweetest text that made happy tears roll with the sad ones!) I didn’t want to write something that would bring anyone down, or invoke pity or even sympathy. I just needed to write to get it all out there. Then my big epiphany led me to exactly what I want to say.

My pity party this morning, though perhaps a little self-indulgent, was not completely undue. In all fairness, it has been an extraordinarily challenging 5-6 months for my family, and well, this morning it was just weighing on me. We’re talking the stuff of depression and self pity. The stuff that can destroy a precarious relationship or strengthen the infallible one. Things like a miscarriage, a health scare, a cancer diagnosis, an unexpected and untimely death, a job loss, a temporary new job 200 miles away, just to name a few of the major things. It’s been tough, to say the least, but there has been so much good mixed in there too! And I know I am not going this road alone, my family is not doing it alone, and there are so many great things headed our way. So this morning, as blue as I was feeling and as much as it felt good to sit and wallow a while, I really was trying to keep myself from free-falling the whole way down to the bottom of the oh poor me pits. So I kicked my lazy butt into gear, got a shower and made myself presentable, spent a few moments thanking God for all of His amazing blessings in my life and lifting up those I know who need lots of prayers right now, and moved forward with my day with a bit of a better attitude.

Then my friend asked if my daughter and I wanted to come over to hang out after school, and I thought that was just what the doctor ordered. So I happily (maybe even exuberantly) accepted. As the kids played my friend and I talked. And talked. And talked. And in the midst of all the talking I stated, without even thinking about it, that the reason I felt so depressed today is because my mind, my heart has taken a gigantic leap back in time to about 5 years ago and earlier. Bing! There it was, my big epiphany! Even though I know in my logical mind that my husband is just out of town temporarily for a job to support our family and provide for us, my apparently still tender spirit has started to put up it’s defenses. I’m feeling like a single mom again, and I’m panicking. My subconscious seems to be nagging me to step up to the plate. To be mom and dad to my daughter. To keep the household running smooth. To watch every penny carefully to ensure that we’re ok. My cruel subconscious was trying to make me believe I was all alone!

So why is this such a fabulous epiphany? Because really, it sounds kind of bad, and sad, and not too great at all. Well, what’s so great about it is that now that I recognize what is going on I’m able to talk myself through it, to pray my way through it. Yes, I am human and I believe it’s ok to cry sometimes. But I was getting frustrated because I just wasn’t understanding what I was feeling. I know my faith in God is strong, and that He will get my family through all of this. I’m really not worried. My husband and I work together everyday to keep our eyes on God and His plan for us, and we remain faithful.  So why couldn’t I shake this sadness? Why was I not feeling at peace? Because even though my conscious mind knew it wasn’t true, I was feeling like I was back to being just me and God and Bella against the world. But I’m not!

This realization has already lifted my spirits tremendously. While I miss my husband like crazy, I know he’s only a phone call, a face time call away. He is still very much on this journey with me. It’s not my journey, not my life, but ours. Yes, our road has been so tough but we’re making it, together. He and I are strong together, we belong together, and we will get through it all, as a family, with God- together!

Jeremiah 29:11  “ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Rising From the Depths of Despair

Eight Years Ago I Was Shopping!

Eight years ago today I was doing some shopping. A lot of shopping. Major shopping! I was shopping for, yep, you guessed it, baby stuff! Eight years ago yesterday I received the call that changed my life, my world, and who I was and would become. I got the call telling me I was going to be a mommy! And soon! Little did I know just how soon, but I knew I’d better start preparing.

Of course I had been “preparing” for a long time, sort of. I was hoping and dreaming about becoming a mom, and I started letting myself believe just a little that it might really happen, and so I bought a few soft blankets and some sweet little onesies and I called myself prepared. I refused to open up my heart to the possibility of even more hurt and disappointment after so many years of pain, so I didn’t really buy everything one might need for a newborn, even though I knew when we signed on with our adoption agency that there was a very real, very great chance that motherhood was in my near future. Sure, there was a bedroom, and there were dreams, but there was no car seat, stroller, diapers, or baby furniture. Because buying those things would really expose my dreams to the world. Harder yet, buying those things would open up my heart and soul to possible devastation yet again, and I just couldn’t face that.

But when that call came making my dreams of motherhood a reality, I lost all control of my emotion. I was so thrilled, and I wanted this so much that I gave all of myself to the dream. And so I shopped. I spent that weekend eight short years ago shopping for baby necessities. I picked out just the perfect things for my perfect little girl- a pink and gray travel system, colorful butterfly and flower bedding and room decorations, cold weather necessities for a couple weeks in Kentucky, and just baby stuff. It was fun and thrilling and scary and beautiful all at the same time.  It’s funny how I can remember those moments like they were yesterday. I look at my sweet, beautiful crazy little seven almost eight year old and I marvel at God’s grace and His blessings in my life. Simply amazing!

 

 

 

Eight Years Ago I Was Shopping!

I Can't Fix It For the Broken Kids

I recently read an article about a 24 year old mother who was arrested for child endangerment after police found her unresponsive in the shower, and her two small children were left unattended, and it just turns my stomach. Apparently there had been two other adults in the home, but after they put the mother in the shower in a futile attempt to arouse her, they left. When police arrived, they found the older child crying for help to wake up his mom, and they found an uncapped syringe with clear liquid and a burnt spoon in the bathroom with her. The children were placed in the custody of their grandmother, and the older child was interviewed by Child Protective Services.  He told them that “his mom gives herself shots all the time in the bathroom but he isn’t allowed to go in when she is giving the shots.”

These are the stories that just rip your heart apart! Those innocent children deserve so much better, and they don’t even know it! And where was the grandmother before this happened? These are the situations where I just don’t understand how the so-called “parent” got to be a parent. Why did God let that happen when there are so many safe, loving homes lacking, but longing for, the warmth and love of sweet babies. What on earth led that woman to believe her home, her lifestyle, would provide a loving environment for impressionable children? Does the father of the children know what they are going through? Does he even care? And how can he not?

I don’t want to judge, and obviously I don’t know all the facts and all the history. But man, with the facts I do know I just can’t help but feel sad and hurt for these kids. And for their mom too, I suppose. I mean, what must she be going through or have gone through in her life to have such a need for drugs that they are more important than the safety and welfare of her children? I wonder if she feels guilty for scaring them like she did. I wonder if she is afraid of the control the substances have over her that she is willing to make any and all sacrifices for them.

Stories like this remind me just how naive and sheltered I am, that I just can’t fathom a mom behaving in such a way. I hate to think that there are so many other kids facing such sad, lonely, and scary childhoods. But the reality is there are, and I know it. It’s so hard to think about because I can’t fix it. And that’s what I want to do, as a mom, as a compassionate human, is to fix it for them.

But really, each of us has an opportunity to help kids like this. We  can be a mentor at our kids’ schools. Believe it or not there are kids there whose best time of the day is at school. That may be their only opportunity for close contact and interaction. That may be the only place they are getting fed.  And that may be the only place someone cares about them. We can get to know the kids at our churches and community activities and help them see that there are loving caring adults, and there is someone they can turn to if they need a helping hand. Also, there are so many kids in the foster care system who have lived in dire situations, who have seen more in their short little lives than most of us can even fathom. And I know that foster parenting and adoption are not the right fit for every family, but we can all spread the word and make it more widespread so that kids who have been removed from a less than ideal situation have loving arms waiting and wanting to protect them.

Thinking of kids hurting, especially at the hands of their own parents, is gut wrenching and sad. It is one of life’s biggest tragedies, and a depressing reality. Take your kids in your arms and hug them to pieces. Thank God for them and the joy they bring into your home. And then teach them compassion for others, and help them understand that a little kindness can go a long way in the life of one who sees little good in the world.

 

I Can't Fix It For the Broken Kids