I Am a Perfectionist, I Am Not Perfect

In the spirit of true honesty, I’m going to confess. Hi, my name is Andrea, and I am a perfectionist. No, I do not believe by any stretch of the imagination that I am perfect. And I do not judge others who do not strive for perfectionism the way I do (well, not too much). I mostly am critical only of myself, perceiving anything less than perfect as a failure. I do tend to be a little hard on my child, well children really, as well. My daughter gets more of the brunt of it as she is with me all the time, but my stepsons have been privy to my nagging when their behavior is not quite what I had in mind for the three little darlings. It’s not that I criticize any of them for their “shortcomings”. I mean, what kind of perfect parent would do that? I understand they are children and are learning, and I like to think I am encouraging and uplifting. Is it wrong to encourage them to give it their all, to be the best they can possibly be? Is it so bad to expect impeccable manners and respect for their elders? And I am certainly happy to dole out the praise and compliments for a job well done.

Boy did I get a wake up call this weekend, though. Lord, help my sweet little girl, as my perfectionist ways are rubbing off on her; and I’m not sure I’m equipped or qualified to prevent it. Report cards came home last Friday afternoon, and I reviewed Bella’s while she was playing with friends. Much to my surprise, hers was slightly less than perfect (and you have no idea how hard it is for me to even admit that, because then that must mean I’m not a perfect parent! Yeah, I have issues!).  Then I was even more surprised, and angry with myself, for being disappointed that the child had a couple “very goods” mixed in with her “excellents”. Really Andrea?!  A “V” in music is just not going to hold her back from going to college, and a “V” in conduct does not mean she is the worst behaved, most disrespectful being that ever graced that first grade classroom (ok, so I’m a little dramatic too). Get a grip lady! So I conceded that the progress report was in fact phenomenal and that I had much to be proud of, but I wanted to hear her take on it. So in the car the next morning when I casually mentioned that I had gotten her report card, she, of course, asked how she did. I remained mostly neutral, if not positive, and just stated the facts. Instantly my poor child was in tears, so disappointed in herself for not being perfect! While a little piece of my heart smiled at her need to do better, the rest of it just shattered in a million pieces.

I believe being a perfectionist may not be a bad thing completely, as I know Bella will always give it her best, and will likely succeed at all she does. The problem is, I know from my own personal experience she will also miss out on so much in life for fear of failure, or something less than perfect. And this is what I strive to change. This is why I confess to my shortcomings, so I can let go and help her be her best, accepting that her best may not always perfection, and that’s ok.

In my younger days I was a competitive gymnast. Some days I thought I was good, but most days I just didn’t believe I had talent. My family would tell you a different story, and probably my capabilities would too. I wanted to be so good, in fact I wanted to be perfect! I loved gymnastics, lived and breathed for it. I dreamed of being an Olympic gymnast, and even had my sights set on going to Los Angeles in 1984 (was I even old enough, I’m not sure, but it’s what I wanted). I had the best cheerleaders supporting me and believing in me. But I just didn’t believe enough in myself. I was afraid I wouldn’t be perfect, so I just didn’t do it. I just quit.

I was a good student in high school (though I didn’t really believe it then), and got accepted to my two top colleges of choice, the University of Florida and Stetson University. I was on my way to law school, right? Wrong! Because what if I went away to school and failed? Yeah, I better just stay in my comfort zone and attend the local community college, and hang out with the same friends (at least the few who were also going to community college or who had not yet graduated) who knew me and accepted me with all my flaws and imperfections. Another missed opportunity due to my perfectionist ways, my fear of failure.

As I said before, being a perfectionist does not mean you believe you are perfect, it means you set a very high standard for yourself, and achieving anything lower than that standard is just not good enough. It means living in fear of failure, that you may not be able to do something at the highest level, so you just don’t do it at all.

I have done a lot of great things, and fun things in my life, and I’ve been through situations that have taken so much strength and courage. I have had success and faced failure. So I am not admitting my shortcomings here because I have regrets, or because life has been so rough for poor little me. I am not a person who lives in the past or lives with regrets, because there is just too much good all around me to worry about that. And my life, despite my fears and lack of confidence, is turning out more perfect than I could have imagined. In spite of my pursuit of perfection, I have failed at things. I have picked myself up and moved on, and it has been good. I know that I am not in control, that God has a perfect plan, and that things will work out. I confess my perfectionism as a “problem” because it is just now hitting me the impact it has on my child. I want her to strive to do her best in life, but I don’t want her to miss out on life because she might not do it just right. And more than anything I never want her to believe that she is not good enough, or that what she does or how she behaves is a disappointment to me. Of course I want great things for her, but the greatest thing I want is for her to know that, whatever course her life takes, she is loved unconditionally. I want her to know that she will make mistakes, and she will do some things imperfectly; but the only way to fail is to never even try.

 

 

I Am a Perfectionist, I Am Not Perfect

Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave...

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!                    ~Sir Walter Scott

My husband has told me that I am the most honest person he knows. I take that as a huge compliment, for that is exactly what I strive to be. Honesty, though not always the easiest way, is always the best way.  And with honesty comes trust and credibility, which are necessary foundations for any relationship, be it personal or professional.

That said, it is so hard for me to send my child out into the world knowing there are people out there who will do her the disservice of being less than truthful. That there are people who will hurt her to make themselves feel better, or to cover up their mistake. I believe that sometimes when people lie about one small thing, it can and often does snowball into a story where the truth and lie cross and weave and are almost indecipherable.

Sometimes it would seem that dishonesty is the easiest way out of a situation, and it may even seem to save some from being hurt.  And sometimes it does do that. But doesn’t the old saying “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” come into play here? Telling people what they want to hear regardless of the truth is wrong. Making up a whole story as an excuse is not only showing you are not to be trusted, but it tells your listener, your friend, whoever you’re talking to, that you think they are less than intelligent to fall for your deception, and that you do not value and respect them. Think about that. If you tell a child you will do something, knowing full well it will not happen, then you are sending messages to that child that their time is not valuable, that their feelings are invalid, and that they are vulnerable and even ignorant. And you are sending the message it’s ok to lie to keep from getting in trouble. Even worse!

In my home we have a very open and honest family relationship. We have all been subjected to divorce, adoption, and step families (sounds sort of Jerry Springer, I know, but we really are just a normal family living life day by day), so we feel it is in everyone’s best interest to be able to discuss these topics and feelings openly to help establish strong loving relationships. We do keep information age appropriate, and there are definitely things such as finances that kids do not need to be burdened with, of course. Obviously there are subjects that do not need to be discussed. But when my child asked my husband (when she was only 4 and he was not yet my husband or her father) where babies come from he knew he had to be honest with her, as that is my policy and his too. This was truly a challenge for him (as it would be for any dad, I think!) as they were still developing a parent figure/ child relationship; and, before meeting us he had only fathered two little boys who had never approached him with this subject. So he did his very best (which I must say was great!), took his time, and explained to her that a seed is planted in the mommy, and then it grows in her tummy and becomes a baby. And for her innocent 4 year old mind that was enough. So there was an honest conversation that was age appropriate and no deception needed. He did not say the stork delivered her, and he did not say go ask your mom. Instead he showed my daughter that he can be trusted and that she can talk to him, thus laying another brick in a strong foundation for an open honest relationship.

Some people are amazed that my daughter knows she is adopted, and that we are so open about it. But to me, I don’t know any other way. I would not want my child to “find out” later in life that she is adopted and to realize that I, as her mother, have lied to her her entire life, that I am capable of being deceitful to her. I would not want to break that trust she has in me. I want her to know that I’m proud of her, of who she is, and of how she came to be with me. I want her to know with all her heart that she can trust me, that I will always be looking out for her best interest, and that I will always tell her the truth. I want her to know that even though the truth may sometimes be the harder way in a situation at that moment, it is the best way. I want her to trust me to work through trials and hurts with her, knowing that, standing on her principles and values, good will prevail. It may not be the “good” we were planning, or the “good” we thought we wanted, but things will work out for the good.

I am sending my daughter out into this crazy world with hopes and dreams and trust! Trust! Trust in the good in the world! So if you are a person I have entrusted my daughter’s hopes and dreams to, if you are someone I have chosen to help mold her into the person God has planned for her to be, then please, please, I beg you, don’t shatter her heart by being less than truthful. By covering up the truth to avoid looking bad in her eyes. Please keep this in mind for all of our children. Because you know what? When children realize you are capable of lying to them, they learn very quickly they can’t trust you. And when they realize a family member, a teacher, a coach, a friend, cannot be trusted then they begin to question who they can trust. Not only does the person who did the injustice of lying look bad, but so do other people in a same or similar role. Or even worse, the child will believe that if this influential person in their life lies and “gets away” with it, then it must be ok, right? Wrong! Please don’t ever teach my child that lesson. Please help me show her that honesty really is the best policy. It may not always be the easiest way, but it truly is what is right, what is fair, and what people deserve. Be the good in the world for my child, for our children.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave...

I'm published!

Bursting with pride for my daughter’s cheer and tumbling gym for taking part in their first ever national competition, I was compelled to write a blog on the Palm Harbor Patch about the spirited determination of these cheer teams and their coach! Check out my article and join me in cheering these kids on. Great job All Star Rayes!

I'm published!