Is Fertility an Issue For Those Who Choose Not to Parent?

My brother and sister in law have decided they will not have children. Period. They adore their nieces and nephews, and dote on the neighbors kids. But when it comes to raising their own, that is just not in their plans. And that’s ok. I may not understand not wanting to parent (and I know they would be fabulous parents!), but I certainly respect and possibly even admire their honesty and their consideration. Parenting is not for everyone! In fact, perhaps more people should decide parenting is not the best choice for their personal life. But I can’t help but wonder…

If people who decided they did not want to bring kids into their life knew they absolutely could not biologically have children, if they could never physically know the feeling of being a part of creating a new life, would they still not want to. Would they be joyous? Would they see it as an answer to their prayers? As an affirmation that they’ve made the right choice? Or would they experience the feeling of failure, of loss, that so many couples facing fertility issues feel?

As a woman who struggled for many years with trying to conceive, I know that I always felt my body was failing me, like it was letting me down. I would tell myself all the right things- that God had other plans for me (which he obviously did! Even better plans than I could have imagined!), and that it wasn’t the right time. But deep down I still beat myself up. I thought I did something wrong. I thought I didn’t deserve to know the love a mother feels for her children.

So I have to wonder if couples who choose to remain childless would still know that they didn’t want to bring children into the world anyway, or would they wonder what might have been? Would the man feel less of a man because he could not give his wife a child if she had wanted that? Would a woman feel like her body was broken, even though she never intended for it to carry a child?

If people are being brutally honest, these are the things they feel when they want to grow their family and it does not happen easily, or traditionally. But I just wonder if they feel that way when they are not intending to grow their family. These are the things I ponder!

Is Fertility an Issue For Those Who Choose Not to Parent?

When Doing the "Right Thing" is Completely Wrong

Epic Mom fail this morning! I sent my daughter to school in tears. Why? I wouldn’t let her wake up her dad to say good morning because then we would be running late. Seriously? I can’t let her say a quick good morning to Daddy before school because I can’t let her be a couple minutes late? Really not even late, necessarily, just skating in between the first and second bells.

And what makes this even worse? Let me just tell on myself even further. This is such an epic mom fail because my husband had been out of town for the last ten days and got home long after she was in bed asleep last night. She missed him and couldn’t wait to see him and give him “lots of hugs and kisses”, and I insist on doing the “right thing” and leaving right on time for school instead of allowing her those couple extra minutes to say hi. Talk about feeling bad all day. And to top it off, on the way to school I had to mention she didn’t put on any jewelry, which just made the tears fall faster and harder. Poor little girl was off to a rough start on a Monday morning. Oh, but I did the “right thing” by being right on time for school. Oh please!

So after tattling on myself and putting my big failure out there for the world, please let me offer up my defense. So what happened is….Bella got up with her alarm (yes, she’s a big girl at 7 now and likes to wake up by herself) and came down and sat, no snuggled, on the couch. I came out of my room, offered up sweet good mornings and told her we couldn’t lay around, that she needed to get her bed made and get dressed while I got her breakfast. After some grumbling about not wanting to go to school and just wanting to stay home and play with Tater and see Daddy, she trudged her way upstairs to begin getting ready, or so I thought. Remembering it was PE day at school I went upstairs to remind her to wear shorts and a t shirt as opposed to some fancy, cutesy outfit since she would be outside in the heat of the day. When I open her door guess who is picking out an outfit…for her Build A Bear. Yep! Still not doing what she needs to get done (although to her credit, she had made her bed). So I gently reminded her that if she did not get dressed and get her hair brushed quickly she may not have time for breakfast before school, and really the only person she was hurting was herself, because I could come home and eat whatever I wanted (ok, a little unnecessary jab, perhaps, but she needed a reality check). And would I really let her go without breakfast? Of course not! But still.

I’ll spare you the rest of the details of the morning and get right to the point. She was dawdling, I was getting frustrated, it was 5 minutes after we normally leave the house, and she wants to wake up Daddy still. I was trying to make a point of doing what’s right and not being late, and because of her choice to dawdle the morning away, something had to give. The problem with my point was that it hurt her. She didn’t miss out on having the hair do she wanted, or having to settle for a less than desired breakfast or outfit. She didn’t miss out on stopping for a treat before school. No, she missed out on seeing her daddy, whom she was really missing and just wanted to say good morning to. This is the problem with being a mom, a woman, who stands firm on principle. Sometimes, this time, the “right thing”, the principle, was completely and utterly the wrong thing!

When Doing the "Right Thing" is Completely Wrong

A Letter to the Teacher

To my daughter’s teacher,

When I dropped my child off to you this morning you asked if there was anything else you should know about her, any special instructions or information that may be useful or necessary for you to successfully take her in your care for the day. I said no because I didn’t want to take your time and attention away from your students so deserving of your undivided attention, and I am confident it won’t take long for you to discover just how special my little girl is all on your own.  But in all actuality, my answer to you wasn’t completely honest. You see my precious baby does not have any “special” needs, no food allergies or physical or mental limitations. She does not have any social or emotional needs that require special attention, so I guess technically no, there isn’t “anything else” outside of our contact info and her going home info that is absolutely necessary for you to know immediately.

Really though, yes, this little beauty does come with her own set of special instructions. You see, she is not just another 7 year old smiling face all decked out in her brand new Justice outfit (fully accessorized, I might add) and shiny new shoes, with her carefully chosen backpack and lunchbox. No, she is MY precious 7 year old who is growing up too fast, who acts brave and tough, but who has a beautiful sweet heart. She is my little miraculous gift from God, and by leaving her in your care, I am inviting you into her life; therefor I have some special instructions that I need you to follow in order to help me fulfill my promises I made to my angel, and to God when He entrusted her to me.

Please be tough, but tender. Be firm and strong in your rules, but please be loving and kind.

Keep your expectations of her high, but please be forgiving of her mistakes, and celebrate her achievements whole-heartedly.

Please, I beg you, be a great example for her, be a positive role model. Because she is looking to you for guidance, and she puts all her trust in you. Whatever you do, please protect her love and respect for teachers.

Teach her to work hard, but to have fun too.

Foster her creativity, and nurture her inquisitive mind. She is a big thinker with big dreams and so much going on in that sweet little head. Please appreciate her individuality, and love her for all her spunk and silliness.

Please encourage and uplift her. By all means, teach her to accept and appreciate constructive criticism, but never compromise her sense of self-worth.

Encourage her to own her mistakes and make them right (whether it be with her friends or her school work), and to treat others as she would like them to treat her.

Always be honest! Please, please be honest. Honesty builds trust, and trust is the true foundation of strong relationships.

Thank you for taking the time to read my special instructions for my unique, free-spirited little girl. I know that she is going to grow and thrive in your class, and I sure hope you enjoy and appreciate all the sass and spirit and fun she will bring to your second grade class. Have a wonderful school year!

 

 

A Letter to the Teacher

They're Going to be Parents!!

Yesterday I saw that a couple I’ve been following on Facebook found out they’ve been matched with a birthmother and will soon be parents. Chills came over me, and the memories and emotions came flooding back…

You gave her life, and you are trusting me to teach her to live it. You grew this precious little being inside of you as you were wracked with fear, doubt, and uncertainty. I have searched for her my whole life. I know this has not been an easy road for you, and I can only imagine the pain you will continue to feel. I hope I can bring you an inkling of comfort, and a lifetime of peace with my story; and, more importantly, with the promises I make to you, and to this perfect innocent child.

You cannot believe the thrill I feel, the way my heart is beating out of my chest, the way I feel all warm inside, and the love and pride that is radiating from me and out to that sweet baby. You see you have instantly given me a beautiful new identity. One that most women have nine months to grow into (literally!); but one that was literally overnight for me! And one that seemed out of reach for me. As you know, motherhood was not a nine-month journey of carrying my baby in my womb; nourishing her and adjusting to having her depend on me for life. No, I instead faced years of disappointment month after month after month each time I realized that my body had failed me once again, that I had not been able to conceive a child. I had a failed pregnancy that was a tragic loss of my child and of my dreams.  I faced a nine-month journey of paperwork and background checks and letters and scrapbooks for potential birthmothers. I faced a seemingly endless wait for a miraculous young woman to find me and believe in me, to believe that I can be a great mom! That I have so much love to give. That I can be trusted to raise this little girl to be a beautiful soul, to love beyond measure, to be smart and assertive, and sweet and gentle.

Yesterday when I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw a fragile, sometimes self-loathing, hard-working, loving daughter, sister, aunt, and wife. No, my appearance hasn’t changed. Well, not really. I mean, yes, my hair is stringy and my eyes are dark and sunk in from exhaustion, but overall my small framed, blond haired, hazel-eyed self looks about the same. But I see someone totally different. Today I see a beautiful, glowing, happy (though slightly terrified) Mommy looking back at me! I see a confident woman who is overflowing with love for her beautiful new daughter. Wow! I said it. My daughter! I see a woman filled with gratitude and admiration for a woman who is so strong that she can place her trust in another woman to do the job that she is just not physically or mentally able to do right now.

So I promise you I will be the best mom I can be for her! I know, I know, that sounds so simple. But I know it’s not. I know it’s the most important job I will ever have, and not one that I take lightly. I promise you I will love her unconditionally. I will build her up. I will encourage her. I will have high expectations of her, and always believe in her.  I will teach her faith, love, honesty, courage, and kindness.

And these are a few of my promises to her. I will always do my best to live my life as an example for her of God’s expectations of His children. I will always consider how my thoughts, decisions, and actions impact her, and what lesson they are teaching her.  I will raise her in a loving home surrounded by family.  I will only invite people into her life who will support her and uplift her. I will keep her near the beach so she grows up appreciating the beauty of God’s creation. I will teach her to work hard, but to have lots of fun. I will teach her to love fully and unashamedly. I will teach her to face her fears, and to not be held back by them.

I want you to know that I am forever grateful to you for your enormous act of strength, and that you will always be in my thoughts and in my heart.  I have lived my entire life for this dream that you have made my reality, for this new name, Mom, which I will wear with pride. I will never take this gift, this precious baby girl for granted. I hope that you find comfort and peace in that promise.

 

They're Going to be Parents!!

Tell Me I'm Not the Only One!

I think it’s happening…I think we’re becoming those people. Those everyday ordinary regular people who are just busy. All the time, busy. I guess that’s what happens when you work, have 3 kids, an adoption, an appointment with the tax man…and in case things weren’t crazy enough we added a puppy to that mix! I’m looking for a little “down time” and instead we added another little one that needs lots of care and attention. We have lost our minds. I just know it! Well at least our new addition is sweet and cute, and kind of irresistible.

How Mommy Feels!!

Really, down time is not necessarily what I need anyway. I mean, I do have time to sit here and write (not that I can really always concentrate, but…) and I do get to take my kids to do various fun things, and we sleep in, or try to anyway.  And my husband is happy to do super hero training with the kids on the weekend while I shop or go walk along the Causeway. So yeah, I know. Your level of sympathy for me has just plummeted. Hit rock bottom in fact. But that’s ok. Sympathy isn’t really what I need. I mean I really have nothing to complain about. Not really. It’s just that I’m tired, and I miss my husband, and I think a little peace and quiet for just a few moments sounds heavenly. Have you been there, done that?

In trying to figure out why I’m so tired, I have concluded that the noise of bickering children is loud and stressful. Very stressful! And when we go from one child who only plays make believe games by herself so minimal arguing occurs, to three children who compete to be the best, fastest, smartest, silliest, cutest, whatever-est, the stressful sounds escalate, and the stress level increases three fold. Now my children are not necessarily always fighting. Not with each other in real life anyway. But if they aren’t battling it out as three normal siblings, they’re competing as super heroes, or sci-fi creatures, or video game crusaders, all of whom must battle. Loud. I mean really loud. And that can be enough to push this mom over the edge.

So as the saying “if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen” goes, I can’t take the noise so I get out of the house. We get out of the house. And then my children magically transform into conversationalists (sometimes!). We talk, they tell me stories, and we typically all get along. Seriously, I can take them most anywhere and they’re so easy to manage. They usually get along well, and they will listen well. And they’re typically polite and respectful. So why am I so stressed when we’re home? Because they are vying for my/ our attention (since Mark is often working, and I’m often trying to write). Hello, Blondie! That one just hit me. Of course they’re the best kids ever when it’s all about them. Of course they love when Mark plays outside with them, or I take them to the park then 7-11 for Slurpees. Of course they like swimming, bowling, and going to the movies with us. And they even love sitting together as a family to watch Cupcake Wars, or a movie. This is because it’s all about kids. And it usually is, until at least 10:00 every night. Thus the reason I say I miss my husband!

We work so hard to make summer special and fun for the kids, and why wouldn’t we? Summer vacation is supposed to be playtime. It’s supposed to be fun and silly and whimsical. And since our family time with all five of us is limited we really try to maximize and make the most of it. And for the most part I love it! We all love it! But I sure do have my moments of missing grown up time with my hubby, of craving a date night, of wanting to have an uninterrupted, un-listened to by little ears conversation. Hmm… I wonder if the kids sometimes crave the structure of going to school each day. Do they miss their early bedtimes and required daily study time? Do they miss playtime with friends at school, without their parents knowing every single thing they do? Maybe, just maybe they do!

Tell Me I'm Not the Only One!

Fabulous 40!

Forty is FABULOUS! It truly is. A few months back I was feeling a little down about hitting the big 4-0, a natural feeling it seems. It’s not that 40 seemed so old, necessarily, or that I didn’t want to hit 40, because Lord knows that’s much better than the alternative of not making it. It’s just that 40 sounds so grown up and mature. 40 didn’t really sound like me, it didn’t quite seem to fit me. Not that I’m immature (though I have been known to whine and even possibly pout on occasion, and I giggle when my husband says a “dirty” word), I just don’t want to be “settled” and “content”, and I’m not ready to sit back and let life just happen. So naturally the thought of turning forty was a little frightening.

Since 40 was going to come, I had decided I wanted to live it up. I wanted to make it fun! I wanted an adult night out with friends and family. I wanted to go to a comedy club, or cosmic bowling. Something a 30- something mom just doesn’t get too many opportunities to do. I guess I wanted to party like I was turning 21 (since that coming of age was not a big party at all!) Anyway, that’s what I thought I wanted.

Lucky for me my husband listens to me, knows me so well, and is very in tune to me. Because he planned a birthday for me like none other, filled with all the things I love most (mostly my family!). He and my daughter put their heads (and thoughtful ideas) together and decided I deserved 40 all about me surprises for my big 4-0. And all three kids and my dear sweet hubby came up with all the things they thought I would love. Fabulous!!

Forty days before “the” big day my husband presented me with a beautiful ceramic flip flop jewelry box hand painted by none other than the man himself. So personal and made with love. Perfection! Another day he presented me with a delicious box of chocolates and just announced “number 39!” Hmm..okay.

The eve of my departure from a decade of much, much change and growth in my life into a new frontier brought a buzz of excitement in our house. Mark was driving the boys down from North Carolina to spend the summer with us, and everyone had lots to do to make the next day a success. Well, everyone but me that is. I just had to sit and wait and wonder. And ponder what 40 is all about. I had lots of time to think about how I really felt about turning 40. And you know what I realized? I was pretty keyed up about it.

My 40th birthday did bring tons of love and fun surprises, and an adventure too! I was pampered (think new hair do, mani/ pedi, sweet tea, breakfast hosted by my sweet hubby and kids with my parents included, jewelry, shopping, movies) and surprised (my car windows were tinted for me, I got a star named after me, we had family photos with my parents once again included, a lovely surprise dinner and family party at home after). I get to do something I’ve never done before- sky surfing! And I enjoyed my surprise family day more than I could have ever liked  a comedy club or cosmic bowling. What was I thinking! But the other thing this decade change brought me was realization.

I realize that 40 is fabulous because I am content and settled. That doesn’t mean I’m boring or old. It doesn’t mean I have to sit back and let life pass me by. I don’t even have to start wearing  tent dresses or mom jeans! It does mean that I’m just me, and there’s no one I’d rather be. It means 40 is just the next number after 39. It is not a number that changes my identity. It is not an age that transforms me over night. I’m still just a young (at heart anyway) mom wearing my slightly ripped up jeans and flip flops with a fitted tee, and being the best mom I know how to be. I’m still a woman pursuing a dream of writing. I’m still a wife who adores my husband and giggles like a school girl at his jokes.  I’m still a friend who enjoys some girl time. I’m still just me. A little older, a little wiser, a lot more confident, and a lot more comfortable with who I am. Happy 40th to me!

*My 40th was back in June, but for some reason this post kept me stumped. I knew I wanted to write it, the words just weren’t coming out right. Could it be because we’ve barely been home since then? Or that I have three crazy kids keeping things hectic around the house? Anyway…better late than never! 

 

Fabulous 40!

Who Knew?!

My kids teach me new things every day. Some lessons are harder than others. And some are just cute and funny. Take today’s lesson…a peach pit can be a friend and play mate.  Yep, that’s what they’ve taught me today.

After lunch the two younger kids asked me to clean off their peach pits really good for them, so I obliged, intrigued by what they would do with them. Well as of right now they are pulling them around the house on a “leash” in the hamster ball giving them the grand tour of the house. Creativity at it’s best. And the best part- the kids are getting along. Like really getting along. Not competing, not having to be the best or smartest, not having to have the “best” peach pit. They’re just being cute and innocent and playing together. Oh how that melts this mom’s heart! Oh and the other part of that I love is that it doesn’t involve super heroes, star trek, violence, or battles. Just 2 sweet kids, 2 clean peach pits, and 2 vivid imaginations syncing together. Sweet!

Oh wait, I hear whining from the oldest. Back to reality. Huge *sigh*. It was wonderful while it lasted!

Who Knew?!